Living In A State Of War


Posts / Tuesday, March 6th, 2018

To those of you who read my blog, I am sorry I have not written in a while. I have wanted to write but a couple of aspects in my life have kept me from doing so. I will catch you all up in my next few entries.
Tonight, I need to discuss primary and secondary feelings. For those that do not know what they are, I will try and explain. Primary feelings are feelings that you notice and can identify right away in a moment. Secondary feelings are feelings that you identify after the fact and those feelings reinforce the primary.
Until recently I did not believe I had abandonment issues. But this realization came during a therapy session as my therapist and I were discussing my feeling of neglect over a text message that was not responded too. We identified my primary feelings as enraged, abandoned, and anxious. The secondary feelings were sad, “not good enough”, vengeful, and uneasy. Sad and uneasy reinforced anxious, “not good enough” reinforced abandoned, and vengeful reinforced enraged.
I have a problem with accepting my feelings as real or honest. Borderline personality disorder means, at least for me, that I feel too much and those feelings I feel are extremely heightened. So I tell people and myself that my emotions are not real. I have to put my faith in this because if I allowed myself to give my feelings merit they would destroy my life. I make myself live in constant state of logic, which is a state of battling my emotions. I feel everything so intensely but most of those feelings have to be a fake because I have a mental illness. If I believed my feelings were real then I would lose important people in my life.
It is embarrassing that I actually felt neglected over a lack of response to a text message. This person does not owe me anything. I am not a priority in their life. I am barely a blip on their radar. But because of my “feelings” I am crippled by their response or lack thereof. So I choose to chalk up the feeling of neglect to me being crazy.
A couple of days ago, I was sitting in my DBT Skills Group Class when I started to become angry. I was working on a worksheet to break down certain emotions that cause me to react and behave in a specific way. I became so worked up and furious because the idea that I have to fill out a worksheet to identify my emotions correctly is insane. I want to be able to normally identify why I react the way I do. I want to be able to feel like a normal human. I want to be able to have healthy relationships. But that is not in the cards for me. I will have to continue to believe that my emotions are my enemy.
I am tired, I am exhausted, and I am drained from living a life were I am fighting a war between logic and emotion. All I want is to be at peace with my mind, emotions, and soul. I do believe I will be there one day. But today is not that day.

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