Tonight, I want to explain in detail what it feels like to live with both borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. To have both of these illnesses in the same body can be overwhelming devastating but also a joyous high.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a day-to-day battle of constant ups and downs. I have BPD and people think I am harmful and toxic to be around, impossible to have relationships with, or that I just want to hurt people. That’s wrong and hurtful to me. I know that I am hurting you, and I do not like it either, but I do not know how to stop. It is like being a passenger in my own brain while someone unfamiliar drives. But this is not me everyday. Some days or even some hours within the day, I am the life of the party. I am the soul that many want to be around because I can be infectiously fun and full of life.
Bipolar disorder is like living in a constant state of euphoria or all out sadness, there is no in between. The only times I feel stable is when I am taking my medication. But the disastrous part of this disorder makes me believe I do not need my medicine because I am feeling “fine.” Bipolar can manipulate the brain and it takes years of patience and knowledge to understand that your mind is lying to you on those days.
Imagine living in a body with a mind that wants to manipulate and lie to you at every turn in your life. Yeah, it is not very fun. But I still acknowledge these illnesses are a part of my life and they make up a portion of me. But they are not the foundation or concrete version of me. I am an individual that thrives off of love from her family and friends. I am an individual that loves with every fiber in her being. I am an individual that will contest her mind to the end just so I will not offend or hurt you because I love you.
I am a real person. I am Madeline Bess Head and I like to think I am unique, kind, loving, independent, fierce, strong, and overall just fantastic. But I feel like these illnesses take away from your perception of me. I do not always win against these illnesses and those are the days I dread the most because I lose the true value of who I am in your eyes as well as my own. Those beautiful aspects of me get lost in the muddle of the BPD and bipolar and it is infuriating.
So I continue to write to remind everyone that I am still myself even on the days that I do not seem like me. I am still here. I am still fighting. I am still motivating to tame the beast and thrive in life. I would love for you all to be supportive in my journey but I know that can be difficult, especially on my off days and that’s okay. I am not for everyone. But just know you are missing out on one pretty epic girl.