This post is going to explain why I have decided to rant, discuss, and try to educate about mental health. I go on an on but I do not feel like I have properly conversed about why I have started this journey.
To begin, as most of you know, I was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses. These illnesses are the following: borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder type II, and anxiety. I have dealt with borderline personality disorder, BPD, most of my life as well as anxiety. The bipolar disorder manifested a little later on in my life, which is common for bipolar disorder.
This journey to self-recovery began with rock bottom, as most do. I was in my second semester of my junior year of college when my life took a turn for the worst. I could no longer hide or ignore what was happening, even though I fought like hell to try.
I was losing who I was because I needed to self-medicate. I lost dear friends or at least I thought I did. I was excessively drinking to the point I had to go to rehab. This ended up not being my problem and I remained lost, stuck in rock bottom. I went through two years of severe depression while being heavily medicated.
Yes, it is possible to still have episodes while being medicated.
Finally, the thoughts of suicide and suicide idealization grew to the point of no return and I was hospitalized. The hospital my have saved my life but it did nothing to help provide the answers I needed or help heal me.I started to learn how to manipulate my doctors and convinced them I was not bipolar or BPD. I truly did not believe I was but what do I know? I am not a goddamn doctor.
“Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.”
-Ezra Taft Benson
I was taken off of my mood stabilizers and that is when the real, sick, and pained Madeline revealed herself. I was hypomanic, out of control, and aggressive. When I crashed, I crashed hard. I could not stop cutting and drinking. I could not get out of bed or communicate what was wrong; I was imprisoned in my mind. That is sincerely the scariest place to be confined.
To make the story short I learned that I was genuinely mentally ill and I had to learn to start accepting it and start to try and heal or die.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
I started this blog to remind myself that I am fighting a battle that only I can win. This does not mean I cannot bring awareness or knowledge to mental health as well through this journey.
I aim to liberate mental health through my type of education. The day I become sincerely comfortable talking about mental illness, especially my own, is the day that I have won the war. The day mental health is treated the same as physical health is the day we all win.
If you have any further questions, comments, or concerns comment below! I am working on being an open book and would love to answer any questions.