pop the bubble

Posts / Tuesday, December 12th, 2017

Tonight, I want to cut the ignorance out of borderline personality disorder. Let us start by properly providing the symptoms of borderline personality disorder:

  1. They have turbulent and stormy relationships, making it difficult to keep a job or maintain a close relationship
  2. They have frequent emotional outbursts, often expressing their outrage with verbal abuse, physical attacks or acts of revenge.
  3. Though they’re acutely sensitive to being abandoned and rejected, they’re harshly critical of those closest to them.
  4. They view others as “good” or “bad.” A friend, parent or therapist may be idolized one day, yet viewed the next day as a terrible person for failing to live up to their expectations.
  5. They may act out with self-destructive activity (i.e. reckless driving, compulsive shopping, shoplifting, cutting, bingeing with food, alcohol, drugs, or promiscuous sex) as a way to fend off feelings of unbearable emptiness.

This disorder, condition, is real. It is not a relationship issue. This is a mental illness that causes me turmoil day in and day out. It may seem like my emotions are running my mind, life, and personality and this may be true. Yet, I am fully aware of these constants emotions. I am trapped in a mind that is constantly feeling extreme ups and downs. I am very aware of the “craziness” this exudes but I am still UNABLE to do anything about it.

Living with borderline personality disorder is like living with 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body. Lacking emotional skin, I feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.

My skin is so thin that the innocent words of others burn holes right through me. 

Another helpful definition of borderline personality disorder; we feel the same emotions that other people do. The difference is that whether they’re good or bad feelings, they’re off the charts, extreme. The emotions are more intense. Brain studies have shown that the emotional enters of the brain actually overpowers the logical enters. We don’t mean to be this and it hurts very deeply because people don’t want to stay. Due to our emotions are unpredictable. If only those who don’t have a mental illness, or those who even do, understood how difficult it is to live feeling empty, alone, and unwanted.

-Ana Landa

I will never use my illness as an excuse for my behavior. But the need for people to be aware of my behavior and where it stems from is overwhelming. I am living in a reality that is split.  I might push and kick you away but I do not, will never, want you to leave me. I know how this sounds…but it is true, a devastating truth.

We are constantly living in bubbles of judgments, misunderstandings, and misconceptions. We need to POP those bubbles by creating a open and free world. To do this each individual needs to POP their own bubble. No one can force an open mind on to someone else. You must choose this path.

If we start accepting each other for who we are, we can accomplish anything. We can heal. We can experience a life truly worth living. A kind life. A purposeful life. A free life. My borderline does not define me but it is a big part of me. I hope you can accept this and maybe, possibly, treat me with the love and kindness that I deserve. I will do the same for you.

I know it may not seem like I deserve your acceptance and kindness but the opposite is true. Through your acceptance my beauty, my soul, and my love shines bright. I fight a battle everyday and I promise you I only lose on rare occasions.



Leave a Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *