Have you ever had such an intense feeling and/or emotion and you just did not act on it?
I have recently started practicing how to deal with my penetrating and disastrous emotions that come with borderline personality disorder. As most of you know by now borderline personality disorder is a rollercoaster of overwhelming emotions. The emotions range from euphoria to crippling sadness to an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment to a frightening anger. To say my daily life and relationships are interesting is an understatement.
I am learning how to feel and not act when it comes to these strenuous emotions. This skill requires me to move away from being reactive and move toward being more responsive. It is a breakdown of impulse as well as action and learning they are two entirely different entities.
To explain in even more detail, let us say that someone I love told me I was “too emotional and I was starting to bother them,” my first reaction would be an impulse. This impulse would be a punishing string of emotions such as sadness, rage, hate, humiliation, and loneliness. The action would normally be me screaming at them or cutting since I seem to lack the ability to regulate my own emotions.
If I learn, through DBT teachings, how to “ride the wave,” I may never self-harm again. All I want more in the world is to not feel so intensely. I want to be able to regulate my emotions just like the average person but I cannot. Through significant amount therapy appointments, I will and have started to learn how to regulate.
Self-harm, cutting, is a disastrous way to deal with your emotions. No, I do not cut myself for your attention. I cut because I feel too much. There is too many emotions swirling in my body and I have to let them out. I used to think the only way to survive the wave was by cutting it out. I am starting to learn that is not the case and because of that I am able to breathe easier with the possibility of being able to break this vicious cycle.